American society is represented by words like freedom, individuality, and opportunity. However, We the People will agree there is some false advertising in these words. Although we are granted the choice to decide who we want to be, we often find ourselves pressured into the typical roles that society needs filling. The sacrifice is individualism! Issues such as gender and social role expectations accompanied by stereotypes encroach on a person's ability to express oneself. Social role theory, developed by Alice Eagly discusses the probability of labor division between sexes as well as the social expectations to be influenced by gender stereotypes (Wood et al. 723). Eagly divides the roles into communal and agentic. The communal role is dominant in the female, and described as domestic, nurturing, and emotional. On the other hand, the male is agentic, which encompasses independence, public leadership, and aggressiveness. Gender is defined as a "social category that prescribes behaviors, attitudes, feelings" that are considered acceptable for a male or a female. These categorizations are the factors behind the injury of individualism within society. Among the most pressured are married people who are constantly pressed into a mold of husband or wife, and the expected behavior that those roles encompass. Sometimes the role expectations are met in order for the individuals to feel like they have a real marriage. Authors such as Raymond Carver, Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman and Claire Kemp explore the institution of marriage, as well as the pressure of social and gender role expectations on the individuals within the relationship and how they can preserve their individualism. The role that each person takes on is influenced by their spouse's expectations, their own internal expectations, as well as how the couple feels society expects them to act. Among the forces of society, married individuals can maintain his/her individuality by learning to adapt the roles within the relationship.
Marriage can be a positive or negative experience for the husband or the wife depending on the influence of social and gender roles. Marriage involves two independent lives that meld together encouraging the division of labor and behavior. Oftentimes the man will take certain roles, while the wife assumes the rest. The routine can become a form of autopilot within the relationship, even when the relationship is on shifty terms. In Raymond Carver's short story "Call if You Need Me" a man and woman struggle to save their marriage by getting away from it all, but instead of working on the problems they sink back into their prescribed everyday behaviors. For example, upon arriving to the getaway house, the distraught couple shifts into autopilot, avoiding their problems by talking about getting a dog and pretending as though there are no problems (Carver 265). A literary reviewer, Daniel Garrett also believes that Carver's story "is not at all muted", proving the conflict between, man and wife can destroy each other's individuality (Garrett 143). By pretending to be happy, they are sacrificing their individuality and their chance of thriving in the relationship.
External forces, such as those from society (I.e. peers) influence the roles of married men and women outside of the marriage, which may hinder individuality. Although American society preaches equality of the sexes, there are still traces of inequality within the workforce. The social role theory states that women take on nurturing roles, which translates into domestic careers such as nursing, childcare, teaching, and homemaking. This division of labor is seen in the workforce; married people often fall into their prescribed fields with the man taking the lead and the women following. When a woman strays from the cookie-cutter mold and does what she dares, she is faced with opposing force and criticism. For example, as a pre-med student, I am consistently faced with the pressure of my peers when they discover my career intentions. Instead of hearing, "you'll be a great doctor" I hear "Why don't you just become a nurse?" Immediately I am put on the defense, as many women are when going into the field of science, especially medicine. Instead of feeling good about my decision, I am forced to think about it, questioning if I made the right choice. Married women should take the criticism from their peers and turn it into a challenge in order to save their individuality. Married women can push out of these expectancies by proving that the field of science or politics is not reserved for men.
On the other hand, men are faced with the opposite pressure and are expected to be employed in the public domain. Starting at a very early age, men are forced into the public limelight much more than women. Men are expected to work in fields such as politics, medicine, and construction even if that is not the career choice for them. Walt Whitman explores the male gender in "I Sing the Body Electric" a poem that glorifies both men and women in his time. Whitman knowingly points out the flaws of society by exemplifying the roles of each gender. He states that a man is "is action and power" continuing to state that the workforce makes the divide between and women clear although men and women are equal in abilities (line 76). Whitman is pointing out that just as men and women are different, so is each individual man within the gender of men. Not all men are meant to be doctors or politicians. These expectations need to be rectified because there are many men who are nurses, or men who love to work with children, rather than be in the spotlight. Married men must explore ones desires in the face of opposition in order for the opposition to weaken its grasp on the expectations of men. Choosing a field that is not suitable by hurt the marriage because the man forces himself to change in order to fit the mold of his job.
The expectations of one's spouse are more damaging to individuality than the forces of society. Men and women marry with certain expectations of the other party- these expectations can severely damage a person's self if that is not the role they were brought up to play. Oftentimes, the division of responsibilities is decided based on gender rather than ability. Wives may be selected to do most of the cleaning, cooking, and childrearing, while husbands do yard work, fix cars, and discipline the children. Moreover, the husband is the dominant figure within the relationship, while the woman is suppressed. These roles sound very outdated, but in American society, the division of responsibilities still mimics these rigid standards. Claire Kemp's "Keeping Company" portrays the relationship between man and wife that are stuck in the prescribed roles of husband and wife. In the story, the pregnant wife is dominated by her husband, but the relationship seems ideal. She knows that she must cook him meals, do his laundry, while he feels that he must go to work, and provide for her. There is a clear distinction between the two, but there seems to be zero compromise. This suppression boils over when the husband insists that the wife does not visit with the neighbors. He states, "I'm your good company" (Kemp 259). In this moment he decides that he will build a wall to keep their roles intact, unknowingly he destroys her faith in him. The expectations of his wife and his desire to preserve her love for him, created a rift in their ideal relationship. In marriage, it is hard to tell when it is time to create compromise in the relationship.
Compromise is the most effective tool to use in marriage in order to preserve each party's individuality. The husband must share the power role, as the wife must share the nurturing role. No individual should be stagnant. Kemp's story proves this. At the end, the wife storms out, running from her prison and her husband realizes his wrongs chasing after her. This couple is able to solve their problems, but many are not, which is why so many marriages end in divorce. Both parties must respect individualism. If the wife is more suitable for the workforce and the husband would rather stay at home with the kids, then so be it. Embracing each other's individuality will allow each party to flourish under the conditions of marriage. Men and women get married because of the person's individuality; therefore, there should not be an expected change in that individual! Nobody ever said conventionalism was the right approach to marriage.
The last and strongest force against individualism is internal expectations of oneself within a marriage. All social and gender expectations stem from the internal parts of each human being. Many of these ideas are not innate; rather they are taught to children at a young age and imprinted in their minds as reality. Their parents, peers, and elders to be strong, unemotional, and aggressive, while women are designed to be nurturing, passive, and emotional raise men. These qualities are what create all other gender role problems. Men and women must fight to preserve their true individuality against the forces of their prescribed gender. In marriage, the husband or wife may feel as though they must act a certain way in order to please their spouse. As mentioned before, Claire Kemp's characters felt that they had to behave a certain way in order for their marriage to be real- to work. The wife acted as she was taught to act once married, while the husband took on his duties. In turn, this created resentment, with the wife telling the husband that he had no idea who she really was. Too often, men and women take on their expected roles to make things feel right. People forgo themselves in the attempt to create a happy relationship.
Unfortunately, these fake realties are what hurt the marriage because individualism was sacrificed. Once a married couple has discovered the truth about each other's true selves' they must be willing to create a new marriage the celebrates and protects each other's individualism in the face of all other expectations. Emily Dickinson's poem "Much Madness is Divinest Sense" explains that going against majority will force one into an outcast. However, she provokes straying away from the majority to preserve individualism even if that means being different from the rest (line 6). Married couple must do the same. They must repel the role expectations from their internal minds and learn to embrace their spouse's individualism, as well as their own. Marriage is about loving the other person for who they are, not for who he/she is expected to be.
Changing the social and gender roles is a difficult journey for many, but these changes can only occur if we as individuals embrace ourselves in any situation. Married couples are pressured by many expectations to conform to roles that fit their gender. Luckily, they have the support of his/her spouse to fight against these expectations. Individuals within a marriage must preserve their individuality so that all people can change the way everyone looks at everybody else. Marriage should be a safe haven for one's individualism, not a cage. Married couples must break out against the norms to help create a new view on the roles of husband and wife. Their new motto should follow Nancy Astor's advice when she said, "Truth always originates in a minority of one, and every custom begins as a broken precedent."
References:
1.Garrett, Daniel. "Call If You Need Me: The Uncollected Fiction and Other Prose. (Fiction)." World Literature Today. 75.(Summer-Autumn 2001): p143. Literature Resource Center. Gale. SAN DIEGO CITY COLLEGE. 26 Nov.2008 .
2. Schwiebert, John E., ed. Reading and Writing from Literature. 3rd ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin College Division, 2004.
3. Carver, Raymond. "Call if You Need Me." Reading and Writing from Literature. Ed. John E. Schwiebert. 261-68.
4. Dickinson, Emily. "Much Madness is Divinest Sense" Reading and Writing from Literature. By John E. Schwiebert.240-46.
5. Kemp, Claire. "Keeping Company." Reading and Writing from Literature. By John E. Schwiebert.257-61.
6. Whitman, Walt. "I Sing the Body Electric." Reading and Writing from Literature. By John E. Schwiebert. 662-68.
7. Wood, Kelly R., Sharon S. Rostosky, and Pam Remer. "Gender." International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family. Ed. James J. Ponzetti. 2nd ed. Vol. 2. New York, NY: MacMillian Reference USA, 2003. 723-28.
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